Life in the NICU....

Life in the NICU is all about the little things.  Mom's who have full term babies usually get to enjoy some snuggle time right after birth. She gets to hold her baby.  She gets to kiss her baby.  She may take for granted changing a diaper or feeding her baby.  NICU moms don't have that opportunity.  Every single tiny milestone is huge.

January 15th-The first time I see Jack Thomas Deakins Heikle III (more on why he is the 3rd later)after the operating room he has a c-pap on.  I can't even see his face nor his eyes. He is under a light to help his jaundice.  

Jack did get to change his diaper for the first time today.  While I am sleeping, Jack visits JT without me.  The nurse tells me when I get there that he has pulled out his feeding tube already, so it had to be replaced.  Jack and I also get informed by a nurse that instead of rubbing his hand that we should hold his hand.  He isn't supposed to be out of the womb yet, and he isn't used to being touched.

January 16- JT's c-pap is off!  I get to see his face today!  He still has his little super hero mask on and his oxygen.  I manage to get to the NICU at just the right time to be able to change his diaper!  Like I said it is the little things.  When I change his diaper, the nurse lifts the top of the isolette.  She pulls his little super hero mask off.  I get to see his whole face.  His very swollen little face.  I cry.  He is kicked back and relaxed.   

Side note:  The doctor had a really hard time getting JT out during my c-section.  He was extremely low.  He really tried to come out vaginally, but my uterus wasn't contracting right.  Dr. Celauro also informed me that I have a tiny pelvis.  She really had to do some pulling to get him out.  Jack says that they had to tell someone to get out of the way during my c-section because they weren't doing something right.  JT had swelling all around his face, and he was very bruised all over his body.  His private area was the worst part.  I am so glad that he will not remember this.

January 17- JT peed on his blanket today!  Whoops!  I think he really just wants his mama to hold him.  The nurse asks me if I will hold JT, so she can change his blanket out.  I ask her if she is serious.  The nurse holds him up and shows me how to hold him.  I am holding my baby for the first time.  I wish Jack was here to see this and take a picture.  Holding your baby for the first time is a really wonderful experience....a NICU first hold is slightly awkward.  I cannot hold him to my body and love on him, I have to hold him straight up from his bed.  I look like the scene from the Lion King when Simba is being presented. 

Dr. Celauro visits me today.  She comes to check on how I am doing and how JT is doing.  When I tell her that he is doing amazing, she starts to tear up.  She wipes the tears from her eyes and tells me that she is glad, that it is wonderful, and that she will be praying for me.

Side note:  I have since done a little research on Dr. Celauro.  She is a truly amazing woman.  I know why she got so teary eyed now that I have read about all of the work that she has done in other countries.  She impressed me on the day that I gave birth with her amazing bedside manner, and I would love for her to deliver another one of my babies in the future.

Katie stops by to visit me today too.  We go see JT, and she takes the cutest video of JT.



January 18-  JT has some new cool stuff in his isolette today.  The occupational therapist brought him a Frederick T Frog.  He loves to kick his leg up on it.  He seems to love to have his feet kicked up somewhere just like me.  I get to ditch my IV today.  First time in 15 days that I don't have an IV in my hand.

January 19-Today is the first time I get to go home.  I cry as we leave JT in the NICU.  I cry when I leave the hospital.  I finally get a decent night's sleep.  It is the longest that I have been at home, since Jack and I moved into our house.

January 20- Jack Thomas is 31 weeks today.  It seems like every day they add another light.  He is going to have his IVs taken out of his belly button today.  Malea, the nurse, tells me that I will be able to hold him after that.  I tell Jack that he is going to miss it, and the nurse says, "No, you are going to hold him right now.  His dad should not miss seeing his mom holding him for the first time."  I insist Jack get his cellphone out because he said he didn't want to take pictures and that we should just enjoy it, but I want pictures so he takes his phone out.  It would be the one day that I don't have my good camera with me.  She swaddles JT up and places him in my arms.  REALLY holding your child and being able to hold them to your chest is the most amazing feeling.  I get to hold him for about 10 minutes, and the only thing I can do is stare at him and cry.  I cannot believe I am finally holding him. We have hit another NICU milestone in fact two in one day because his tubes are taken out later that day.  He no longer needs fluids, antibiotics, or anything else they are pumping into him.

We go back later, and JT has been moved to the next NICU room!  This room has more babies in it, and it seems a little busier.

January 21- I chop 23 inches off my hair today.  When we call to check on JT, we find out he has grown a quarter of an inch already!

The nurse comes back in the room with the wheelchair to get me.  She puts one of those lovely puppy pad things down on the seat, so I can sit on it and has me change back into a hospital gown.  I get into the wheelchair.  Then it happens.  I roll through a door that I haven't been through in 10 days.  I realize that I have no idea what it even looks like out there.  They take me straight to the elevators.  A couple of my previous nurses wish me good luck, and the nurse takes me to the 5th floor.  She wheels me down the hall to the room where I am to labor.  I meet my new nurse.  I tell her I need to go to the bathroom before she hooks me up to the monitors.  She says, "Whatever you do don't push down while you are in there.  Preemies are known to just fall out."  Ok, well I wasn't expecting to hear that.  I gingerly go to the bathroom.  It is hard for me to sit because when I do I go into a contraction.  I am so thankful for the bars on the walls.  I have learned to use them well.  When I finish, I tell the nurse my output (Oh the joys of peeing in a top hat).  She hooks me up to the monitors, and I send my mom a text to let her know what room I am in and then one to Jack.

 

 

The nurse gets the bed where JT will be placed ready for him. 

 

I am ridiculously calm about giving birth.  I am not nervous at all.  Honestly, I cannot even think about either because the contractions are coming quicker and last longer.  My contractions are about a minute long and still a little random on how quickly they are coming.  My mom comes in and we talk about how everything has been going.  She starts taking pictures of the room.  Jack arrives.  He is so tired.  My doctor comes in and checks on me.  She asks me how I am doing, and what my pain is like on the 1 to 10 scale.  I have gotten pretty accustomed to that question.  She checks to see how far I am dilated.  I am at a 3-4.  I have stayed around what I would consider a '4' most of this labor.  I am pretty sure looking back that I have a pretty awesome pain threshold.  Jack puts on some Dave Matthews but not too loud because if it is too loud I may rip his head off.  The nurse comes in to check on me.  She has me sign all of the forms that you have to fill out saying what you want and do not want.  When she gets to the epidural release, I ask her when that is possible.  She says that she will ask the doctor.  She leaves the room.  Jack proceeds to fall asleep. 

 

 

And I proceed to labor. 

 

 

 

The nurse comes back in and tells me that the doctor does not want me to have my epidural yet because she is not sure that I am in active labor yet.  Oh God I just want some relief!  I am not sure I can handle these contractions much longer.  They are not getting any better like they have in previous days.  I get to the point where I am crying out in pain from the contractions.  I feel like someone is ripping me open from the inside. 

 

My dad gets to the hospital.  My mom points out the clock on the wall that won't stop spinning.  She is concerned that JT's time of birth will be wrong if they use that clock.  She points it out to the nurse.  They try to fix it. 

 

I make Jack brush my hair out because I don't want to look like a total terror in photos taken of me.  My hair is a total mess.  It is so long.  I had planned to get it cut the week I went into the hospital.  It is all the way down to my ass, but during my hospital stay it is constantly in a bun.  It takes forever for him to brush it out, so that I can put it right back into a bun. 

 

The nurse comes in to check on me again.  She says that she is going to tell the doctor that I am ready for the epidural and make sure it is ok that I have it.  HALLELUJAH!  She comes back and tells me that glorious doctor is going to come and talk to me soon! 

 

He finally comes in and explains the whole procedure to me.  Sit on the bed, curl your back, feel a bee sting feeling, then he will start to place the catheter.  If I feel a zap on either side of my body, let him know that way he can adjust the catheter.  He has me sign a piece of paper, and he tells me that he will be back in a minute.  WHAT?!  I am ready now!  A bee sting is not going to hurt near as bad as these contractions!  About 20 minutes later another anethesiologist comes in, she says she will actually be the one placing my epidural.  I go to the bathroom before she can start.  Oh God love her!  She quickly gets the lights down from the ceiling.  She starts to place the covering on my back.  She tells me that she is going to wait until I come down from my next contraction to start placing my epidural.  I grab Jack's hand.  I have my next contraction.  When it finishes, I tell her.  She was awesome!  The nurse that helps her is awesome too.  She tries to keep me talking to help keep my mind off of it.  When the anesthesiologist puts that needle in to numb the spot that she is going to be working at, I squeeze Jack's hand really hard to brace for it.  It does not even feel like a bee sting.  It feels like any regular shot.  She starts to place the catheter.  As she moves it, I feel a little zing in my right leg.  I tell her she says ok does whatever she needs to do to fix that.  When she finishes, all I can think is, "Man, that whole procedure did not hurt near as bad as these contractions."  They have me move back into a normal position on the bed.  Then it happens.  My toes start to tingle.  I am getting relief!  RELIEF!  OH MY GOD!  I AM NOT IN PAIN!  It takes all of about 10 minutes for me to not feel anything!  I am still able to move my legs, but I just can't feel it. 

 

My doctor comes back in and asks if I am numb right about the time that I am.  She checks me.  I am an 8.  I got to a freakin' 8 without an epidural.  She says that my cervix still has a lip on it, so they are going to push some pitocin.  I am getting so sleepy!  I haven't slept in about 33 hours.  I am exhausted, and I finally have some relief.  The nurse says, "When you feel a lot of pressure like you need to have a bowel movement, call me immediately!"

 

When the pitocin has had an opportunity to do what it is supposed to do, she checks me again.  The lip is still there.  She can feel his head.  She is having to go around his head to feel my cervix.  She tells me that if the lip does not go away soon that I will have to have a c section.  I never feel the pressure that they are talking about, but I am so ready to birth this kid vaginally.  I am actually kind of psyched about it. 

 

When she comes back in to check on me the next time, she has me bear down like I am trying to push.  The lip is not going away.  She tells me that I am going to have to have an emergency C-section.  She doesn't want to risk JT getting an infection before he is born.  This is when everything starts happening around me.  The nurse calls the 8th floor to tell them I am coming up.  I have people getting me ready.  I am quickly shaven.  I have a hair net on.  My catheter is put in.  The anesthesiologist comes back and pumps me full of something.  The NICU nurses come in and tell me what will happen in the OR with JT.  They put the bars up on my bed.  We are off to the OR to have this baby! 

 

 

I cannot believe that I am going to have a baby in just a few minutes.  Did I mention I am exhausted?  The elevator takes me up to the 8th floor.  I am taken back into the OR, they swap me over to the operating table, my arms are outstretched on two platforms, the sheet goes up, Jack gets by my side, and I am in and out of sleep.  I swear I sleep through most of the c-section.  I hear the doctor say, "You are going to feel a lot of pressure and tugging." and they ask me if I am doing ok.  If they would just shut up, I could sleep.  That is how relaxed I am.  When they finally get JT out, he is taken over to a little table to be weighed and measured.  I force myself to stay awake just long enough to here him cry.  When I hear that tiny sweet cry, I am so thankful and fall back asleep.  Jack claims that he and I talked quite a bit during the c section, but I don't remember it.  The next thing I know a doctor is saying, "Mom, kiss your baby."  I look over and see this tiny, tiny precious face just long enough for me to kiss him and for him to be whisked away.  Jack gets to go with him while they finish the procedure and close me up.  I sleep every chance I get.  I cannot believe how incredibly exhausted I am.  I cannot keep my eyes open.  They move me over to the regular L & D bed.  It is finished.  I am taken back down to my room. 

 

When I get back to the room, Jack shows me the video of JT in the operating room.  He shows me how much he weighs 3 lbs and 9 oz.  He says that he is doing ok.  They have him in the NICU.  Pat comes by and so does Katie.  Everyone takes turns going to see JT. I have to wait until my epidural wears off to see him.  It is pretty cool to wiggle your toys and not feel it.  I am so thirsty, and I can only have ice chips.  I wait for my ice to melt, so I can actually have sips of water.  Eventually I move back to my original room.  Pat grabs everything that is left in the room and meets me back in the room once I am able to move over to my hospital bed.  Jack comes back from where ever he was, and Pat leaves.  I sleep. 

 

Around 2:30 in the morning, my nurse comes in my room, cleans me, changes my pad,  and asks me if I am ready to go see my baby.  I cannot believe it!  I get to see him!  The nurse leaves the room and comes back with a wheelchair.  My awesome morphine pain killers have not completely worn off, so getting out of the bed is a very slow process but not too terribly painful.  When I stand up, it feels like my skin is being pulled apart.  I move like a little old lady and sit very slowly down in the chair.  Jack gets the luxury of dragging my IV along.  The nurse goes very slowly over the bumps in the hallway.  I pass by the nurse's station.  A couple of my previous nurses congratulate me.  We get into the elevator and travel up to the 7th floor.  We go through the doors of the NICU where I learn to scrub in.  I am already in a hospital gown, so I get to skip that step.  I am wheeled down to the little cubby where JT is.  He is covered with a C-pap machine.  He has a little eye mask on.  He has a feeding tube.  I cannot see his face.  He has IVs in his belly button.  A little O2 meter on his foot.  He is in an isolette.  The closest I can get to him is through a porthole.  The nurse tells me I can open up the door and touch him if I like, and I do.  Jack tells me that I am the first one to touch him.  He hasn't even touched him yet.  He wanted to save that for me.  I cannot believe that little person was inside me for 7 months.  Wow! 

 

 

I start feeling very very hot.  The NICU is just too warm.  I can't handle it.  I get so sick to my stomach.  I feel like I am going to get sick.  I tell the nurse.  She finds me a little bucket just incase, and I am thankful that I have only had clear liquids today.  Nothing is coming up but a little bit of clear liquid.  My meds wearing off is what is really making me nauseated.  I am ready to go back downstairs. 

 

When I get back to my room, the nurse tells me that when I am ready to pee for the first time, I need to call her and let her know.  She has to help me get out of the bed that first time.  I also need to let her know when I pass gas for the first time.  This is also the first time I have to pump.  A nurse has brought me a Symphony.  She quickly shows me how to use it and lets me be in peace the first time I try.  I get nothing.  Not even a drop.  I have to pump every 2 to 3 hours, and even the tiniest drops I am supposed to take to JT.  I go back to sleep after pumping.  Jack gets up really early and goes up to see JT while I am sleeping.  He gets to change his diaper while he is up there and take his temperature.  I learn that just these little things that we can do for JT are important to me. 

 

I let my nurse know that I am ready to go to the bathroom at some point.  It hurts so bad to pee like gripping the walls hurts.  I think the catheter bruised my uterus.  Now that I have been up once, I can get up by myself whenever I like.  I can even go up to the NICU.  Knowing this is what gets me up and moving after my c-section.  I have a baby on the next floor that I can go and see.  I get up frequently.  I find out JT's routine.  Every 3 hours 2,5,8,11 if I am there, I can change his diaper and check his temperature.  It really is the little things.  I cannot hold him yet, but when those times come around, his isolette top can come off for about 10 minutes and I can be that much closer to him.  I learn that we should try to not disturb him too much.  If we touch him, we need to touch and hold not touch and rub.  He is supposed to still be in the womb and the touch can send him into distress.

 



 



This is my first family photo.  It is definitely not what I had in mind, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

 

When I am not in the NICU, I am in my room sleeping or attempting to watch TV.  One of my nurses comes in and tells me that I am doing an incredible job after my c-section.  Then tells me that her and the other nurses were talking about me.  She said that she was amazed at how well I handled the news the first time they thought I was in active labor.  She said that she could see this "Whatever has to be done to protect my baby" look on my face.  I didn't get upset.  I just understood.  She told me that they were impressed with how I was the entire time I was in the hospital.  I didn't really complain about the bed rest, and I was always in good spirits.  I am discharged from the hospital on the 18th, but they are kind enough to let me use my room as a courtesy room that night.  My mom comes to the hospital, and I have to get my prescriptions filled.  She tells me that she will take me to the West End Rite Aid.  We go down the elevators, I see the statue of the mother and child that I remember on the way in, my mom leaves me to go get the van, I walk through the lobby, walk out the front doors, and I start bawling when I look up.  The white beams were all I saw when I was first brought here.  This is the first time I have been outside in 15 days.  This is the first time I will leave the hospital without my baby.  I am reading a book that describes a feeling similar to mine.  It reads,

         "Most new mothers get a triumphant wheelchair ride. They are like beauty pageant winners,

           clutching their babies instead of roses, their faces beaming with excitement while they glide

           through the hallways as if they were taking their first turn on the stage before an adoring

           crowd. But no one looks at the mother without a baby. We are the invisible."

                             -The Preemie Primer

It takes me a while to compose myself.  This is not the way I had envisioned myself leaving the hospital.  I go with my mom to get my prescriptions, and she drops me off at the hospital.

 

I go home for the first time since the 3rd of January on the 19th.  That night is the longest I have ever stayed in my own home.  I had been working so much that I hadn't been able to stay there longer than 10 hours.  I knock myself out with my pain pills.  Just thinking about leaving that tiny little face breaks my heart.  Jack and I agree that we will at least drive to Nashville every other day.  It is such a hard decision to make, but gas is so expensive plus being that far from home makes eating fast food much easier. 

 

 

 

 





Soooo my father in law called on the way home from the hospital tonight, and SURPRISE he is flying in for the day tomorrow.  Greeeeaaaaat!  Anyway, I swear I will write more tomorrow!  I have been staying up after Jack goes to sleep to type up my story, but tonight I will be forced to go to sleep before 4:45am.  If I can't sleep, I will type.  ;)

I totally freaked out a few minutes ago because I just realized that when this little boy comes home....I have no preemie diapers for him.  I am hoping the newborn diapers don't totally swallow him.  It is much more difficult to hijack diapers from the hospital when there is a nurse constantly keeping watch in the room.

The doctor that came in to talk to me explained that while he wasn't totally sold on the studies about magnesium protecting the brain.  He was going to give it to me anyway because if it works, it would protect the brain from Cerebral Palsy.  I have also read that it can stop labor as well, but I guess there are no definite studies on that either.  They hook me up to the IV of Magnesium and antibiotics because they do help keep the labor away.  Anyway remember THE DEVIL!  I cannot remember a lot about the next couple of days. Magnesium feels like fire going into your veins.  I can not focus.  Looking at the wall is hard.  I cannot sleep. I am miserable.  It has a tendency to give people flu like symptoms, and it can make people really nauseated at the beginning because they do a higher dose at the beginning.  I know people come to see me.  I know I eat.  I just remember I having to leave my arm in a certain position, or the fire feeling would get more intense.  I am monitored continuously and JT is monitored continuously because of the mag.  I have a blood pressure cuff that cuts into my arm every 15 minutes.  My O2 saturation gets low, and I have to wear a cannula for oxygen.  When the nurse comes in to take me off of the Devil, I thank her!  Thank you so much!  The next day I am feeling like a different person.  I can finally focus on something. 

The next several days run together.  Anytime I need to go to the bathroom, I have to unhook cables and drag my IV with me.  I become a pro at getting JT back on the monitor, so I don't have to constantly bug the nurses.  I have the luxurious task of keeping up with my input and output.  Peeing into a top hat is fabulous.  I have to make sure my discharge is not green.  I am constantly leaking.  I am thankful that the water replenishes itself, but it is gross to have a constant drip every time I move.  People come to visit.  Jack comes every other day.  My mom and dad come to see me.  Jack's mom sends a gift. Chris, Melinda, and Hailey.  Melinda brings me snacks to help me keep my sanity food wise.  Jill, Mario, and Rio.  Jill brings me Sonic.  Katie comes to see me several times and brings an awesome gift of hospital essentials.  I get several compliments on the socks from the nurses.  Jess comes with Katie one day.  Other than people visiting I just sit there.  I watch TV constantly and the channel selections are no good.  I watch tons of House Hunters, Storage Wars, whatever.  Everyone I talk to basically says, "Oh this must suck."  I don't think so.  I am sure that if I sit here long enough that it will begin to suck, but right now I do not have to work.  I have a free pass after working tons of hours to do absolutely nothing and have nurses basically wait on me.  They will get me anything I want.  Water, ice cream, juice, food, a soft drink...If I drop something on the floor, they will retrieve it for me.  My only job is to lie in a bed and do absolutely nothing but stay pregnant.  I even have a doctor that comes in and says, "You're still pregnant." and checks JT's heartrate print out at least once a day.  There is only so much information that they can give you, unless I want him to repeat it daily.  The nurses and doctors tell me that JT's heartrate is amazing for his gestational age.  It is like he is exercising in there with all of his rate increases.  I learn the times that the nurses come to my room.  It is every 4 hours like clockwork.  I know I can sleep inbetween these times.

Every day I tell JT to please just stay put a few more days.  I will sit here for a month if I have to.  It is ok.  Please just don't come earlier than 32 weeks.  That is the goal.

They take me off of the antibiotics.  They take me off of my IV.  I finally feel free for a day.  I can get out of the bed without having to drag something with me to the bathroom.  I can take a shower!  It is an amazing shower too.  They stop constantly monitoring me.  I am only monitored once every so many hours.  JT hates those monitors!  He kicks them off of him all of the time.  I am having random contractions of varying strengths, but they aren't anything that I can't handle. 

On around the 5th night of being in the hospital, I begin to have contractions that I can no longer ignore.  I start to time them.  They are really close together.  They hurt, but they are still nothing that I cannot handle.  I tell the nurse.  She tells me to let her know if they get worse throughout the night.  They do.  She calls the doctor who prescribes Procardia.  It is a blood pressure pill, but it also helps to stop labor.  They tell me that if I am in active labor that nothing with stop it, so they hope the Procardia will help keep the contractions away.  The next morning my day nurse and the doctor come in.  My nurse is concerned that I am in labor because she believes that I have all of the signs.  They check me.  I am 2 cm and 90% effaced.  I am told that I can only have ice chips, and they are going to hook me back up to fluids just in case I am in labor and have to have an emergency c section.  I just take the information in.  It doesn't scare the hell out of me.  Whatever I need to do to keep my baby safe, I will do.  I will go back on that damn Magnesium if I have to.  I don't care.  Thankfully the Procardia and fluid help with the contractions (so much so that I ask them to turn up my fluids).  They were not completely gone, but they were bearable.  I can finally get some much needed sleep.  I doze in and out throughout the day.  That night, the same thing happens.  My contractions get increasingly worse.  I am breathing through them.  The Procardia helps a little bit, but they are still not completely gone.  People come see me the next day.  I am having to breathe through my contractions in front of them.  Oh and don't talk to me while I am having a contraction because I may rip your head off.  They aren't frequent enough for it to be active labor though, but any sudden movement will bring them on.  I have to brace myself to get up to go to the bathroom because I know the moment I sit up, I am going to have one.  Walk to the bathroom, sit down, have another.  It is killer.  This happens the next several days.  The nights are always the worst.  The night of the 1/13 they are so close that I am keeping up with them on my phone.  If I don't document it somewhere, I forget what time the last one started and how long it was.  They are very close together, but not consistent.  Sometimes I will go ten minutes without one sometimes only 3 minutes.  I let my nurse know.  She gives me a button to push.  It will tell them when I am having a contraction.  She tells me to lie on my left side.  It doesn't help.  I have already tried this at some point it makes the contractions worse.  They start to monitor JT.  The monitor belt on my stomach makes me have contractions.  Every time I contract I feel like I need to pee.  I went to the bathroom so many times.  It gets to the point where I feel like JT's head is about to fall out of me.  I cannot comfortable walk to the bathroom anymore.  The nurse talks to the doctor who comes in to see me.  The nurse checks me.  She can feel his head when she checks me.  I am at a 4.  They are going to move me to L&D, and they tell me to call anyone I need to or that they will do it if I like.  I call Jack and I call my mom.  Jack just got to sleep and has to get back up.  My mom is about to leave for work when I call her.  It is around 7.  She cancels her job and heads straight to the hospital.

The week of Christmas I worked 55 hours.
The week of New Years I worked 65 hours.
The week after that I was supposed to work 55 hours again....JT had other plans. 

I got home from work the night of the 3rd of January.  I was so exhausted, but I was so happy because I was finally not having to close my store.  Both of my shift supervisors had put in their notices several weeks before, but my boss had not been as proactive as he was claiming regarding finding me some help.  I get home the night of the 3rd, and Jack was making dinner.  He made chili and baked potatoes because that is what I really wanted.  I tell him I am going to change out of my work clothes before dinner, so I go into our bedroom in our house that I had yet to spend more than 7 continuous hours in (Thank you Rite Aid).  I run to pee because well I am sure JT is stomping on my bladder.  Little booger.  I put on some pajama pants, and I start to walk out of my bathrooom.  All of the sudden I am wet.  I just kind of shrug it off thinking that I should probably get used to this randomly peeing on myself thing.  I swap into another pair of pajama pants.  I start to walk into the living room.  All of the sudden I am wet again.  I realize that something isn't quite right.  I stand in the living room where Jack can see me.  I just stand there totally bewildered. This cannot be happening.  He asks me if I am ok.  I tell him that I will let him know in a minute.  I return to the bathroom, and I sit on the toliet.  Water that I cannot stop is leaking out of me.  I am still a little dumbfounded.  This cannot seriously be happening!  Jack walks into the bathroom to check on me.  He says, "Are you ok?" I say, "My water just broke.  We need to go to the hospital now!"  In this instant, I am thinking that my usually panicky husband is going to flip out and not know what to do.  He is quite the opposite.  He looks at me and says, "Ok.  I will get the car."  He puts all of the dogs up.  Pulls the car out of the garage and into the driveway to the front door.  I search for a huge pad that I can use to control this fluid slowly leaking out of me. Then I grab my home charger for my phone because I know I am going to need it.  My husband helps me into the car, and we start driving to StoneCrest.  I call my mom and let her know that we are on our way to the hospital.  She asks me all the details, and she tells me to call her when I get to the ER.  The whole ride to the hospital I am strangely calm because I don't want my husband to have a panic attack while he is driving no matter how calm he appears. 
    We arrive at StoneCrest's ER, and I make Jack park vs. dropping me off at the door.  I mean, I am not completely helpless.  I CAN still walk.  We walk in and discover that we have to navigate how to check in at the ER.  What the heck ever happened to talking to a person?  I sit down.  Then I hear my name.  Thank goodness!  They are already calling me back.  Wrong.  I am just getting my bracelet.  I sit back down.  The liquid is starting to soak through my pants.  I am so thankful that I have a long jacket on.  My name is called again.  I am taken back into a little room.  I answer questions such as "Why are you here?" "What pregnancy is this?"  Thank you so much for making me think about that now that my current baby's life is in danger.  Etc, etc.  I then have to go over to the window to give all of my insurance information.  I am not even acknowledged at first.  When I finally am, Jack notices that my parents are already in the ER.  The nurse lets them back with us.  While I am giving my information, my wheelchair arrives.  My mom takes over giving them my information, and I am immediately whisked off to L&D triage.  I have to change into one of those hideous hospital gowns.  I am terribly afraid to remove my underwear because I know I am going to be leaking all over the place.  Thankfully when I get back to the bed.  The nurse is back and puts what looks like a puppy pad on the bed.  Jack even mentions that, and she says, "That's basically all it is."  The nurse lets me get comfortable in the bed.  She proceeds to take all of my vitals.  She says that she is going to check to see if my water has infact broken with this ...proceeds to lift sheet without finishing her sentence..."Oh yeah, your water broke."  I then get an IV for the first time in my life.  Ow!  During my time waiting on my OB/GYN to get there my parents and Jack swap out coming in to talk to me.  When my doctor gets there, she checks me.  She says that my cervix is closed, but I am going to have to be transported to Centennial.  They have the best NICU in the area.  That is where I need to be, and that is where I will stay until I give birth.  I also immediately have a steroid shot in my hip to help with JT's lung development.  I then play the waiting game again.  I have to wait for transport to come get me.  When they finally get there, I swap over to their skinny gurney to be transported.  I proceed to be quickly moved through the hospital towards the ambulance.  My mom is still with me, and all I can think is, "Oh God.  I don't think she will be able to handle me being put into the back of an ambulance." I later find out that she does walk away when they are putting me in.
  The paramedic that is in the back with me puts the blood pressure cuff on me.  It cuts off all circulation when it cuts on every 10 minutes.  She talks to me the entire ride to Centennial.  Thankfully both paramedics are very friendly.  We even listen to decent music during the ride!  When we get to Centennial, they take me out of the ambulance.  I look up and all I see are the white beams above me.  They wheel me into the hospital straight to the elevator.  I see a statue of a mother and her child.  We get into an elevator, and I am taken straight to the 6th floor.  The doors open.  My mother in law is there.  Oh geez!  Why is she here?  She starts to talk to me.  I am not ready to talk to anyone yet.  I just want my husband with me.  They ask her to step out of the room while I move on to the bed that will be my bed for the rest of my stay.  My nurse, Alix, starts to hook me up to my IVs and give me my extra hospital jewelry (oh those fabulous bracelets!).  My mother in law comes back in, and I try to explain to her that I am not having JT that day.  They are going to do everything they can to keep him in as long as possible.  She was planning on staying until he came until I told her that.  Jack finally gets to the hospital.  The doctor comes in to talk to me.  My mother in law proceeds to talk to Jack the entire time that the doctor is in room.  He misses 90% of what the doctor says.  Anger does not even begin to describe my feelings about that.  She keeps telling Jack, "They are just going to scare her telling her all of that."  Ummmm no!  I need to know what the hell is happening to me, and I need Jack to help me remember everything.  All I know is that they are starting me on magnesium, or as I like to call it "The Devil."

Ok so unless you missed the Facebook announcement!  I AM PREGNANT!  I know!  Totally psyched!  Took me a year and a half of trying damn it, but it finally happened.  Whoot whoot!  We are 13 weeks and 1 day today.  This baby gave me the crap scare of my life yesterday when I woke up to bright red blood (not spotting).  I was terrified.  I just kept saying, "No, no, no.  I can't do this again.  I can't go through this again."  I called my doctor's "if you need to talk to your doctor" line.  They told me not to worry.  Ummmm really?  I am bleeding red blood!  I thought that was supposed to be terrible.  Well apparently since I had just had my ultrasound the day before and everything looked great this blood was nothing to be alarmed about and at this point I have a 1% chance of miscarriage.  I obviously still worried all day while I was at work sitting in my office, doing absolutely nothing because I wasn't going to do anything to risk it.  Today I have realized that the doctor was right.  It is gone.

Another big thing!  We got preapproved for a house!   HELL YES!  FINALLY!  We are searching searching searching.  It has to be a USDA meaning it has to be a rural home.  We have looked at 2 in Ashland City that were both terrible.  We also looked at one in White House that is doable, and one in Portland that is fantastic just such a miserably long drive.  We continue to look.

I keep telling Jack that the location is not really a total deal breaker because I have no desire to stay with RA for ever because I am seriously beginning to HATE my job.  I feel like I have a bullseye on my head, and they are just looking for a way to fire me.  (You can bet your ass I made sure they all know I am pregnant because it makes it harder......hopefully this will get them the hell off of my back)  Every time I turn around I am getting griped at about something else.  I will be glad come March (Oh March 24 is the due date).  Well actually after March....after maternity leave is over and done with.  I will feel more comfortable starting to look for another job.  This one is not worth the stress level I put into it.  I am sick of trying to run a store on no payroll hours and then getting bitched at because something isn't done.  Perhaps it is because I don't have enough payroll for a cashier the whole day!?  Sucks.  I am getting off of my work soapbox now.

Florida in just a few days!  Which reminds me.... I may have to hit my cuz up for some dog watchin'.....maybe 2 dogs this time.....We are supposed to leave on the 29th.  I REALLY need some beach time!

Is it time to go to NY yet?  Y'all I had this bitch come in my store tonight.  She wanted to know if we carried something.  When I told her we stopped carrying it she proceeded to bitch at me about how she wasn't going to shop there anymore if we weren't going to carry that product.  To which I told her I'm sorry and that corporate makes all decisions on the planograms, and we have no control over what they put in the sets.  She just kept bitching.  All I could think was, "I'm glad she isn't going to shop here anymore.  At least I don't have to deal with her bitchy attitude ever again."  I would like to add that I had spoken with her on the phone before, and I told her that we had discontinued carrying the product.  I have no patience lately.