The nurse comes back in the room with the wheelchair to get me. She puts one of those lovely puppy pad things down on the seat, so I can sit on it and has me change back into a hospital gown. I get into the wheelchair. Then it happens. I roll through a door that I haven't been through in 10 days. I realize that I have no idea what it even looks like out there. They take me straight to the elevators. A couple of my previous nurses wish me good luck, and the nurse takes me to the 5th floor. She wheels me down the hall to the room where I am to labor. I meet my new nurse. I tell her I need to go to the bathroom before she hooks me up to the monitors. She says, "Whatever you do don't push down while you are in there. Preemies are known to just fall out." Ok, well I wasn't expecting to hear that. I gingerly go to the bathroom. It is hard for me to sit because when I do I go into a contraction. I am so thankful for the bars on the walls. I have learned to use them well. When I finish, I tell the nurse my output (Oh the joys of peeing in a top hat). She hooks me up to the monitors, and I send my mom a text to let her know what room I am in and then one to Jack.
The nurse gets the bed where JT will be placed ready for him.
I am ridiculously calm about giving birth. I am not nervous at all. Honestly, I cannot even think about either because the contractions are coming quicker and last longer. My contractions are about a minute long and still a little random on how quickly they are coming. My mom comes in and we talk about how everything has been going. She starts taking pictures of the room. Jack arrives. He is so tired. My doctor comes in and checks on me. She asks me how I am doing, and what my pain is like on the 1 to 10 scale. I have gotten pretty accustomed to that question. She checks to see how far I am dilated. I am at a 3-4. I have stayed around what I would consider a '4' most of this labor. I am pretty sure looking back that I have a pretty awesome pain threshold. Jack puts on some Dave Matthews but not too loud because if it is too loud I may rip his head off. The nurse comes in to check on me. She has me sign all of the forms that you have to fill out saying what you want and do not want. When she gets to the epidural release, I ask her when that is possible. She says that she will ask the doctor. She leaves the room. Jack proceeds to fall asleep.
And I proceed to labor.
The nurse comes back in and tells me that the doctor does not want me to have my epidural yet because she is not sure that I am in active labor yet. Oh God I just want some relief! I am not sure I can handle these contractions much longer. They are not getting any better like they have in previous days. I get to the point where I am crying out in pain from the contractions. I feel like someone is ripping me open from the inside.
My dad gets to the hospital. My mom points out the clock on the wall that won't stop spinning. She is concerned that JT's time of birth will be wrong if they use that clock. She points it out to the nurse. They try to fix it.
I make Jack brush my hair out because I don't want to look like a total terror in photos taken of me. My hair is a total mess. It is so long. I had planned to get it cut the week I went into the hospital. It is all the way down to my ass, but during my hospital stay it is constantly in a bun. It takes forever for him to brush it out, so that I can put it right back into a bun.
The nurse comes in to check on me again. She says that she is going to tell the doctor that I am ready for the epidural and make sure it is ok that I have it. HALLELUJAH! She comes back and tells me that glorious doctor is going to come and talk to me soon!
He finally comes in and explains the whole procedure to me. Sit on the bed, curl your back, feel a bee sting feeling, then he will start to place the catheter. If I feel a zap on either side of my body, let him know that way he can adjust the catheter. He has me sign a piece of paper, and he tells me that he will be back in a minute. WHAT?! I am ready now! A bee sting is not going to hurt near as bad as these contractions! About 20 minutes later another anethesiologist comes in, she says she will actually be the one placing my epidural. I go to the bathroom before she can start. Oh God love her! She quickly gets the lights down from the ceiling. She starts to place the covering on my back. She tells me that she is going to wait until I come down from my next contraction to start placing my epidural. I grab Jack's hand. I have my next contraction. When it finishes, I tell her. She was awesome! The nurse that helps her is awesome too. She tries to keep me talking to help keep my mind off of it. When the anesthesiologist puts that needle in to numb the spot that she is going to be working at, I squeeze Jack's hand really hard to brace for it. It does not even feel like a bee sting. It feels like any regular shot. She starts to place the catheter. As she moves it, I feel a little zing in my right leg. I tell her she says ok does whatever she needs to do to fix that. When she finishes, all I can think is, "Man, that whole procedure did not hurt near as bad as these contractions." They have me move back into a normal position on the bed. Then it happens. My toes start to tingle. I am getting relief! RELIEF! OH MY GOD! I AM NOT IN PAIN! It takes all of about 10 minutes for me to not feel anything! I am still able to move my legs, but I just can't feel it.
My doctor comes back in and asks if I am numb right about the time that I am. She checks me. I am an 8. I got to a freakin' 8 without an epidural. She says that my cervix still has a lip on it, so they are going to push some pitocin. I am getting so sleepy! I haven't slept in about 33 hours. I am exhausted, and I finally have some relief. The nurse says, "When you feel a lot of pressure like you need to have a bowel movement, call me immediately!"
When the pitocin has had an opportunity to do what it is supposed to do, she checks me again. The lip is still there. She can feel his head. She is having to go around his head to feel my cervix. She tells me that if the lip does not go away soon that I will have to have a c section. I never feel the pressure that they are talking about, but I am so ready to birth this kid vaginally. I am actually kind of psyched about it.
When she comes back in to check on me the next time, she has me bear down like I am trying to push. The lip is not going away. She tells me that I am going to have to have an emergency C-section. She doesn't want to risk JT getting an infection before he is born. This is when everything starts happening around me. The nurse calls the 8th floor to tell them I am coming up. I have people getting me ready. I am quickly shaven. I have a hair net on. My catheter is put in. The anesthesiologist comes back and pumps me full of something. The NICU nurses come in and tell me what will happen in the OR with JT. They put the bars up on my bed. We are off to the OR to have this baby!
I cannot believe that I am going to have a baby in just a few minutes. Did I mention I am exhausted? The elevator takes me up to the 8th floor. I am taken back into the OR, they swap me over to the operating table, my arms are outstretched on two platforms, the sheet goes up, Jack gets by my side, and I am in and out of sleep. I swear I sleep through most of the c-section. I hear the doctor say, "You are going to feel a lot of pressure and tugging." and they ask me if I am doing ok. If they would just shut up, I could sleep. That is how relaxed I am. When they finally get JT out, he is taken over to a little table to be weighed and measured. I force myself to stay awake just long enough to here him cry. When I hear that tiny sweet cry, I am so thankful and fall back asleep. Jack claims that he and I talked quite a bit during the c section, but I don't remember it. The next thing I know a doctor is saying, "Mom, kiss your baby." I look over and see this tiny, tiny precious face just long enough for me to kiss him and for him to be whisked away. Jack gets to go with him while they finish the procedure and close me up. I sleep every chance I get. I cannot believe how incredibly exhausted I am. I cannot keep my eyes open. They move me over to the regular L & D bed. It is finished. I am taken back down to my room.
When I get back to the room, Jack shows me the video of JT in the operating room. He shows me how much he weighs 3 lbs and 9 oz. He says that he is doing ok. They have him in the NICU. Pat comes by and so does Katie. Everyone takes turns going to see JT. I have to wait until my epidural wears off to see him. It is pretty cool to wiggle your toys and not feel it. I am so thirsty, and I can only have ice chips. I wait for my ice to melt, so I can actually have sips of water. Eventually I move back to my original room. Pat grabs everything that is left in the room and meets me back in the room once I am able to move over to my hospital bed. Jack comes back from where ever he was, and Pat leaves. I sleep.
Around 2:30 in the morning, my nurse comes in my room, cleans me, changes my pad, and asks me if I am ready to go see my baby. I cannot believe it! I get to see him! The nurse leaves the room and comes back with a wheelchair. My awesome morphine pain killers have not completely worn off, so getting out of the bed is a very slow process but not too terribly painful. When I stand up, it feels like my skin is being pulled apart. I move like a little old lady and sit very slowly down in the chair. Jack gets the luxury of dragging my IV along. The nurse goes very slowly over the bumps in the hallway. I pass by the nurse's station. A couple of my previous nurses congratulate me. We get into the elevator and travel up to the 7th floor. We go through the doors of the NICU where I learn to scrub in. I am already in a hospital gown, so I get to skip that step. I am wheeled down to the little cubby where JT is. He is covered with a C-pap machine. He has a little eye mask on. He has a feeding tube. I cannot see his face. He has IVs in his belly button. A little O2 meter on his foot. He is in an isolette. The closest I can get to him is through a porthole. The nurse tells me I can open up the door and touch him if I like, and I do. Jack tells me that I am the first one to touch him. He hasn't even touched him yet. He wanted to save that for me. I cannot believe that little person was inside me for 7 months. Wow!
I start feeling very very hot. The NICU is just too warm. I can't handle it. I get so sick to my stomach. I feel like I am going to get sick. I tell the nurse. She finds me a little bucket just incase, and I am thankful that I have only had clear liquids today. Nothing is coming up but a little bit of clear liquid. My meds wearing off is what is really making me nauseated. I am ready to go back downstairs.
When I get back to my room, the nurse tells me that when I am ready to pee for the first time, I need to call her and let her know. She has to help me get out of the bed that first time. I also need to let her know when I pass gas for the first time. This is also the first time I have to pump. A nurse has brought me a Symphony. She quickly shows me how to use it and lets me be in peace the first time I try. I get nothing. Not even a drop. I have to pump every 2 to 3 hours, and even the tiniest drops I am supposed to take to JT. I go back to sleep after pumping. Jack gets up really early and goes up to see JT while I am sleeping. He gets to change his diaper while he is up there and take his temperature. I learn that just these little things that we can do for JT are important to me.
I let my nurse know that I am ready to go to the bathroom at some point. It hurts so bad to pee like gripping the walls hurts. I think the catheter bruised my uterus. Now that I have been up once, I can get up by myself whenever I like. I can even go up to the NICU. Knowing this is what gets me up and moving after my c-section. I have a baby on the next floor that I can go and see. I get up frequently. I find out JT's routine. Every 3 hours 2,5,8,11 if I am there, I can change his diaper and check his temperature. It really is the little things. I cannot hold him yet, but when those times come around, his isolette top can come off for about 10 minutes and I can be that much closer to him. I learn that we should try to not disturb him too much. If we touch him, we need to touch and hold not touch and rub. He is supposed to still be in the womb and the touch can send him into distress.
This is my first family photo. It is definitely not what I had in mind, but it is beautiful nonetheless.
When I am not in the NICU, I am in my room sleeping or attempting to watch TV. One of my nurses comes in and tells me that I am doing an incredible job after my c-section. Then tells me that her and the other nurses were talking about me. She said that she was amazed at how well I handled the news the first time they thought I was in active labor. She said that she could see this "Whatever has to be done to protect my baby" look on my face. I didn't get upset. I just understood. She told me that they were impressed with how I was the entire time I was in the hospital. I didn't really complain about the bed rest, and I was always in good spirits. I am discharged from the hospital on the 18th, but they are kind enough to let me use my room as a courtesy room that night. My mom comes to the hospital, and I have to get my prescriptions filled. She tells me that she will take me to the West End Rite Aid. We go down the elevators, I see the statue of the mother and child that I remember on the way in, my mom leaves me to go get the van, I walk through the lobby, walk out the front doors, and I start bawling when I look up. The white beams were all I saw when I was first brought here. This is the first time I have been outside in 15 days. This is the first time I will leave the hospital without my baby. I am reading a book that describes a feeling similar to mine. It reads,
"Most new mothers get a triumphant wheelchair ride. They are like beauty pageant winners,
clutching their babies instead of roses, their faces beaming with excitement while they glide
through the hallways as if they were taking their first turn on the stage before an adoring
crowd. But no one looks at the mother without a baby. We are the invisible."
-The Preemie Primer
It takes me a while to compose myself. This is not the way I had envisioned myself leaving the hospital. I go with my mom to get my prescriptions, and she drops me off at the hospital.
I go home for the first time since the 3rd of January on the 19th. That night is the longest I have ever stayed in my own home. I had been working so much that I hadn't been able to stay there longer than 10 hours. I knock myself out with my pain pills. Just thinking about leaving that tiny little face breaks my heart. Jack and I agree that we will at least drive to Nashville every other day. It is such a hard decision to make, but gas is so expensive plus being that far from home makes eating fast food much easier.
